Words as Weapons
This is my Pixie. She is an intelligent, creative, sweet child. She has many friends, she loves to read, she does well academically. I love my Pixie!
Like many children who are a little shy, my daughter has experienced bullying at school. We have contacted the school when this has happened, had conferences, and generally gotten it taken care of. She has a nice social group of her own, through school, Girl Scouts, and our place of worship. However, like many kids, she still is the recipient of hurtful mean remarks made by kids who don’t stop to think about what they are doing.
No kids are perfect, and my younger child, aka SuperDude, sometimes gets himself in trouble for saying things he shouldn’t. Sometimes children say hurtful things without meaning to, or because they haven’t yet developed the means to cope with things that are bothering them. My son’s last bit of trouble came from lashing out at a child who had yelled in his ear. It turns out that he was coming down with a cold, and the yelling was very painful. Sometimes, children are going to respond to some things inappropriately. These things need to be addressed, but they aren’t premeditated or deliberate, they are reflexive.
Today, one of my daughter’s classmates did something that was not reflexive. Despite recent anti-bullying curriculum, as well as lessons on current events such as the Sandy Hook tragedy, one of her classmates said something very hurtful. Although one child said this, others were a part of what happened. With prompting from two other students, one boy named the seven children in the classroom that he would kill. Yes, kill.
My Pixie was on his list.
The fact that fourth-graders are entertaining themselves by having victim lists is simply appalling. I remember there being a few kids whom I didn’t like in the fourth grade, but I don’t remember wishing for anything more severe than having them step in dog poop, or possibly wetting their pants in class. I wished they would do something that would make others laugh at them, the way they had laughed at me over my “stupid pigtails” and “hippie clothes” – I never imagined actual physical harm. I don’t think that most kids do today, either. But, honestly, where does this come from?
The knee-jerk reaction for many is video games. people think that video games are corrupting our young. Are they? I’m not so sure. I remember the old cartoons I watched as a kid. Children have been exposed to violent entertainment for centuries. Punch and Judy wasn’t lighthearted, nonviolent fun. I used to watch westerns, Sinbad, and Godzilla on Sunday afternoons. Video games get blamed because they are different than what the oldest generations grew up with, and people want to blame the thing that they don’t associate with themselves, because they don’t want to feel that they have any part in it.
Likewise, people often blame the violence of the young on people no longer going to church. I find this excuse bizarre, because, in almost every experience we have had with bullying, the children responsible for the bullying belong to a congregation. I don’t think that whether or not someone is part of an organized religion has anything to do with this. Some of the nicest, most civic-minded people I have met are atheist or agnostic. I also know many wonderful, kind people from many religious backgrounds. I know that people throughout time have tried to blame others with different beliefs for things going awry, but this is another case of “it’s not me, it’s THEM!” going on.
So, what causes a ten year old boy to sit and contemplate his list of victims when he kills seven classmates? Why did the other classmates think this was an acceptable conversation to have? How did all of the anti-bullying curriculum and lessons, and the lockdown and evacuation drills not instill in these kids the idea that this conversation was absolutely incorrect? How did they not see that they would be hurting the feelings of the seven children chosen as victims? Is this just a ploy for attention, or is it children realizing that their parents are paying so much attention to what is in the news that they feel left out? I can remember a couple of news events when I was young that had all of the adults in my life talking, and left the kids wondering if we had been forgotten. I remember talking to other kids about it during school. During recess.
So, I just want to put this theory out there: children focus more on violence because they don’t have the outlets we had as kids. Think about it, did you have recess every day as a child? I did. Were there breaks in the day for you to catch your breath and blow off some steam? Yes. Was the funding for your school based primarily on how children performed on standardized tests? No. Did you have enormous class sizes, and teachers always in danger of losing their jobs with the next budget cut? Probably not. Perhaps, people, we need to take a look at this. What if violence in schools has been on the rise for the past two decades because more stress has been put on students and teachers, and more of the programs that enrich the soul – art, music, library, recess – have been cut to cram in more academics. My children have homework every night, and they have since kindergarten. They get a sort of recess every other day at lunchtime, but not regular morning breaks and afternoon breaks.
Adults in the workforce are allowed breaks. When i waited tables, I got to go sit down and regroup for ten or fifteen minutes. When I worked in an office, it was okay for me to go walk around the block to calm my nerves and get an iced tea. We don’t allow this for our children! We are introducing them to stress before they can even sign their own names! Why is a ten year old child talking about murdering his classmates? Because, with his rigorous school day, that conversation is his quickest way to blow off some steam. he is overworked and overstressed, and there is too much pressure on him. He wants to lash out against something. By trying to turn our children into robots, many of them are being robbed of that vital humanity that we all too often find lacking in today’s world.
It isn’t television. it isn’t video games. it isn’t whether or not we belong to a religious institution. It is, plain and simple, that we do not put enough stock in our teachers. When we don’t value our teachers, we are sending the message that we don’t value our children. When we push our children so hard, and never give them a chance to have a break, it breaks them. Bring more humanity back to schools, and it will resurface in the general population.
That’s how I see it. What are your thoughts?
Where is my flash drive?
At the beginning of the year, I decided that I was going to get back to writing more frequently. The plan was to better manage my already overstuffed schedule so that I could do something I enjoy. I have managed to do this a little bit, catching up on shows I saved because I did not have time to watch them when they aired, and catching up on TV is easy to do when paired with a chore like laundry or trimming Boxtops for Education.
The book I have been working on is backed up on my flash drive. I have a separate flash drive for my PTA work, and then one for my personal stuff. It had been right there on my desk…so where did it go? I did a great deal of cleaning and organizing to find it, and still it has not appeared. I have a second flash drive for my own things, and I had planned to sync the two, but I apparently only dreamed that I completed that task. My files weren’t on my computer. This isn’t surprising, as my computer has flipped out and had to be re-formatted more than once (By the way, Apple, THAT is why you think I have multiple devices to the extreme – you can’t seem to figure out that it is the same computer being re-registered after it capsizes…can I please have the music I paid for on my phone now?). Well, drat!
Finally, in a moment of desperation, I asked my dear husband if he had my files on his computer. Success! The files he had were original drafts with none of the advanced chapters, editing, or re-written segments, but at least I wasn’t going to start from scratch! But, here I am, and I haven’t wanted to open those old files because I know how much needs to be done, and I just want to progress in the story, not reconstruct what had already been don elsewhere.
Perhaps this is a lesson in data backup. Perhaps this is the universe telling me to stop fearing the Cloud, and get with the program. Perhaps, once I have re-written everything again, I will step on my missing flash drive in the middle of the night. Regardless, I have promised myself to find the time to write, and write I shall!
Have a lovely day!
The Trouble With Procrastination…
…and that’s Trouble with a capital T!
I am sure it will come as no surprise to many of you that I, like many people out there, would like to write a book. What might seem surprising is that I am actually about halfway through writing a book for which I have a carefully plotted layout. The problem with this is that it’s only halfway finished. At some point, despite friends and writing group members telling me that my book was progressing nicely, I stopped.
When I say I stopped, I don’t mean that I stopped writing. I don’t mean that I stopped thinking about the story and the characters. I don’t even mean that I stopped feeling the pull to finish, to give the characters something to do and to bring the story to life. I just stopped believing I had the time to complete the story. I stopped believing anyone would want to see what I had to say. I convinced myself that the people who had read what I’d written and said they really liked it were just being polite. I fell victim to the myth that Mommies are not interesting, and I actively talked myself out of doing what I longed to do.
This morning, I finally decided to stop worrying about my doubts and begin finishing my book. I decided to breathe some new life into those characters and recharge the story. The problem? I can’t find it. I had it saved and backed up, but apparently not here. The flash drive I keep reserved for these things, which also has a cap that conveniently is the right size to open the battery hatch on my wireless keyboard, is nowhere to be found. I have the flash drive I use for my PTA work. I have the flash drive I use to save all of the work I do for my college courses. I cannot locate the flash drive I use to store all of my other written material, such as articles, guest blog spots, short stories, and this novel I have mentioned.
I know I had the flash drive the last time the batteries died on my keyboard! I know I will soon need it for that purpose, too. As I type, I have to keep going back and fixing words that my presently sluggish keyboard had mangled. Luckily, I have not yet lost hope. Somewhere in this house, my flash drive must be hiding. My existing files must be on another computer, as we have switched machines around a couple times in the past. I still can’t shake the feeling that I have somehow let my characters, and myself, down. I have misplaced several chapters of something important because I let the self-doubt that lurks over my shoulder take charge.
There’s a lesson to be learned here. That lesson is simply, if we do not seize opportunity when it is available, we may lose our chance to create something wonderful.
Incentives for Wee Geeks
SuperDude meets R2
When i first started blogging, I was worried that I might become just another Mommy blogger. There is nothing wrong with being a Mommy Blogger, but I had this notion that, somehow, I would no longer have interests of my own. Obviously, that’s not how it actually works.
Another concern I had, as a parent who happens to be a geek, was that I would accidentally push my kids into being something they weren’t interested in becoming. I remember actively avoiding Star Trek during some phases of my teens, because I did not want to be associated with anything my parents were into. I wanted my kids to develop their own ideas of what was fun and interesting, even if they wanted a mini accounting set or a book about the latest boy band.
As luck would have it, I have two very bright young geeks. I won’t spend time talking about how some ridiculous people in the fan community would only count one of my children as a “legit” geek because she is a girl. Instead, I would like to focus on how amazing and wonderful it is that my kids have found their own interests. Additionally, when kids have interests, and parents want to provide incentives for good behavior, there are so many fabulous options available!
My son, SuperDude, is very interested in math and science. He loves computers and technology, and will dismantle gadgets if given half the chance. He loves Star Wars, Phineas and Ferb, Avatar: the Last Airbender, comics (especially TinTin), Superheroes (especially Spider-Man), and Harry Potter. He is also a very active child who loves to climb on everything, ask a lot of questions, and play basketball and baseball. What do you do with a very bright second-grader who gets so excited he literally bounces off walls? What kind of incentives work?
While your own mileage may vary, we have found that incentives, deterrents, and structure put together work beautifully. If he does something he knows he shouldn’t do, there is a chart where this is noted. Repeated misbehavior means a privilege will be revoked. For SuperDude, the most important privilege is computer time. We already have the kids set up with parental controls and a set timer that will log them out when their daily allowance of screen time is up. If SuperDude decides he must harass his sister, he loses this precious time. Serious behavior has occasionally resulted in his beloved Spider-Man plush being confiscated for a day. However, sometimes extra help around the house, a special grade on a test, or phenomenal behavior will net him extra time. Sometimes, there are even better incentives, like reading his Basher Science books with me, playing board games, or going someplace special. A great deal of amazing behavior, he knows, can result in a trip to the movies, or family movie together. Sometimes, he will receive a book he wants, such as more Basher books, a graphic novel, or a novel from a series he likes. He is going to be thrilled when he finds out he s getting his very own copy of The Hobbit!
The Pixie dressed up as one of her favorite literary characters.
Where SuperDude loves science and SF, my Pixie loves fantasy. She shares the enthusiasm for Phineas and Ferb, Avatar, and the Avengers, but she is also a huge fan of the Chronicles of Narnia. The Pixie’s teacher sends her home with a reading log to record what she reads each day. While this is an incentive for the students to read more, we sometimes have to make sure that she is reading less. If one doesn’t check in on her several times a night, one might miss that she is awake reading until she finishes “just one!” more chapter… She is very artistic, and loves making crafts, watching movies, and making up songs. Incentives are easy with her, because the goal of watching a family movie, helping in the kitchen, or getting a new Webkin appeals to her. That said, while I can take away computer time from SuperDude, it seems ridiculous to take away books from the Pixie as a punishment. Where her brother needs very careful structure, the Pixie really needs some free time and flowing schedules that will work with her much more anxious personality. She is the only person I have ever known who can listen to an audio book or audio play while reading something completely different, and come away knowing exactly what happened with both stories. She can do homework with the TV or music playing, because it is soothing to her. SuperDude needs to be kept from the distraction. While disallowing TV time sometimes works, the real deterrent for the Pixie is the idea that she might not get to have dessert! That’s an oldie, but it works well!
As for major incentives for not only great behavior, but a lot of extra help around the house? The idea of getting to attend a convention and go to children’s track activities is number one! After that, though, getting to see interesting places, especially museums, or going to a movie theater are tops! SuperDude is highly adventurous, and I took him on the tram to Roosevelt Island while the Pixie was at camp last summer. A little trip to Dylan’s Candy Bar afterward made it memorable. That is part of what makes living in New York so amazing – so many opportunities for kids to do great things! The Pixie remembers every time she has ever been to Alice’s Tea Cup, and she made a point of reading every single placard in the Egyptian wing at the Met. SuperDude is so excited every time we go to a Mets game, and he loved his school trip to Onderdonk House. And if local outings to theaters, restaurants, and museums are cool? You should see them when we actually get to go someplace out of town! In the past year, the kids have had a blast, and have seen all kinds of amazing places.
In Washington, DC
But, even if you don’t have access to national landmarks, giant candy stores, or endless museums, there are so many fun options available in this day and age. Sometimes, being allowed to watch trailers for movies they will later be allowed to see (Brave, Paranorman, Frankenweenie, etc.) is a great incentive for good behavior. Simply sitting down and teaching your kids to play a board game you love can be so rewarding for everyone involved. We had a Chinese Checkers tournament earlier this evening, as a matter of fact. The Pixie and I rolled out a huge sheet of paper a few weeks back and began planning a little fictional city just for fun. SuperDude loves building things together with Legos, Lincoln Logs, and/or Magnetix. We even have a daily time for family reading, where everyone sits with their current book or graphic novel for an hour or so. If all other incentives fail to inspire, let them decorate a giant cookie!
Artistic food!
What it all comes down to, really, is getting to know your kids. What works best with their interests? What works best for their individual personality? In what ways can you spend time together as a family as part of a reward? I always feel that it is important to help children create as many positive memories as possible. I want my children to look back on childhood and remember everything that was great. I want them to recall of the fun times they had. I also want them to recognize that they earned s many of those great times by working hard to behave well and complete their tasks.
What have you found works best for your children?
Tracking the Past
My Grandfather’s Grandparents, right, and (I think) his aunt and uncle
I recently found a new hobby. Okay, actually, it’s a new obsession. I have begun tracking my family tree. I have always wanted to do this, but felt I didn’t have the time. In fact, I don’t have any extra time, but I decided it was a more productive use of the time between when my children are tucked into bed and when they are actually asleep. I have always heard that I am related to several famous people. it has been interesting trying to track them, as family trees often only trace the direct line to a famous person, and leave out brothers and sisters. Some connections are hard to find.
I don’t know if W. Goodall was a relative, but he sure was handsome!
I have some copies of old photographs of my family, and they have been very useful in putting an actual face to a name. There are also some photos of people whose names were not noted in the old album my parents had. I am not sure if we are related to them or not, but I love the old styles and the great sepiatone images of people from a bygone era. When I began pursuing a degree in library science, this is what I wanted to do: preserve history for future generations. Right now, I am researching and preserving family history for my children, and future generations as well.
My Great-Grandfather
I am most intrigued by my Great-Grandmother, Elizabeth Middleton Purcell. I have been unable to discover which of the many, many Elizabeth Middletons born in the UK in 1870 is the right one, so I cannot trace her parents. I have some family members I mean to check with. It just seems weird to call someone out of the blue and say “Hello! You haven’t seen me since I was a kid, but I want you to tell me about a woman I never met.” The thing is, from every picture I have seen of Elizabeth Middleton Purcell, I look very much like her. That makes the desire to know more about her even stronger.
My Great-Grandmother, Elizabeth Middleton Purcell
It has been amazing hunting through old records. I signed up for a membership at ancestry.com, and I have been searching through all of the scans. I knew my Grandfather’s WWI draft card registration was for the right person because the auburn hair and grey eyes (like mine!) were listed. While I knew that we had a WWII hero in our line, and that we are related to some famous people, I did not realize how hard it would be to trace some of the lines I wanted to research. I am supposed to have Mayflower lines on both sides, to be related to two US presidents, and a famous English composer. It is beginning to look like we might also be a distant cousin of one of my favorite Romantic poets. I spend so much time thinking about how I can uncover more, where I might find more verification!
And, I have to tell you, it is a thrill to suddenly find hat missing link that connects you to another chain of ancestors! I was stuck around 1800 for two weeks before I had a breakthrough that took me on an exciting ride back to the fifteenth century! How much past can I uncover? I have only just begun my journey!
Making Moustaches!
Anyone who has been following fun and popular things to do lately has probably seen that pretend moustaches are a big deal. Sunglasses come with one attached, pre-glued ones abound, temporary tattoo finger ‘staches, even gold necklaces with jeweled moustache-shaped pendants! I thought I had blogged about the ‘staches I made this summer, and perhaps I did and simply cannot locate the post. So, here we go…
1. Lay out some wax paper.
A friend was having a birthday party featuring moustaches, and I wanted to make the most sparkly, pretty one around! I gathered my supplies, which were wax paper, white glue, and angelina fiber (which can be obtained via craft stores, and even in the supplies section at Etsy). I rolled out some wax paper on top of my super pretty strawberry tablecloth.
2. Apply glue to your wax paper in the desired shape.
I figured I would go with something classic. As much as I wanted a fancy Poirot-inspired moustache (I notice that I am supposed to be spelling this “mustache,” but I started reading Poirot at an early age, so it must be spelled as he would spell it), I didn’t think that the first time trying would be a great idea. I carefully spread the glue into the shape I wanted on the wax paper. I didn’t go with hot glue, because it would have been too thick and too easy to burn, and would have cooled too soon. I also wanted something non-toxic and easy to use.
3. Grab a chunk of fiber, about 1″ in width.
4. Twist the fiber tightly.
After selecting a chunk of fiber, twist it firmly into the shape you desire, and lay it carefully over the glue. You will then allow it to dry for at least 8 hours.
5. Allow it to dry on the wax paper.
When it is dry, it will peel from the wax paper, and you will have a little moustache to bring with you. You can get a cosmetic adhesive, such as spirit gum, with which to apply your moustache. Some people get those little sticky dots to use because they are often easier to find in the non-Halloween season. Being that this IS Halloween season, your local costume outlet (superstore, drugstore, party warehouse, craft store, etc.) will have the right adhesive if they re worth their salt. Or, you can attach your ‘stache to a wire, stick (chopstick, knitting needle, toothpick, fireplace match – painted to match if you wish), or other implement so that it may appear only when you want it to.
Creativity and me
I started this blog as a place where I could geek out about things, share ideas, and, yes, talk about the cool stuff I do with my kids. It somehow became much more about the kids than the geekery. Perhaps this is a stage that all parents go through, perhaps it is just a stage I am experiencing. Either way, I have to say that the mommy blog aspect is amusing to me. When I first started writing articles for ComicMix a few years ago, I was determined not to get stuck just doing the mommy pieces, so I carved out a little niche for myself in the world of zombies. I’ve interviewed police stations in major metropolitan areas about zombies, I have been a guest speaker on convention panels and podcasts about zombies, I even worked with a zombie makeup crew for a History channel special. I’ve always thought zombies were fascinating. I went as a zombie for Halloween in 1988, when I first started getting issues of Fangoria magazine at the local bookstore. I was already very into horror movies (like many kids in middle school), and zombies were fascinating because they were so terrifying. So, when I saw the chance to be a zombie blogger instead of a mommy blogger, I jumped!
Now, oddly, I have become more of a mommy blogger (and, occasionally, a nail polish blogger and a cat owning blogger – hence the photo of my nails and my cat’s pretty feet above). This may have a lot to do with the fact that my kids are older. They have a ton of extracurricular activities, and I spend most of my time with them. I am happy to say that I am introducing them to many aspects of geekery that are near and dear to my heart. They made tribbles at Shore Leave convention this summer. They are fans of Star Wars. My son loves Lord of the Rings. They both adore the Avengers, and have their own budding comic collections. I am proud of my little geeks! I do plan to continue posting about what they do, but I also feel the need to get back to the things that drive my own fandom. Things, like the Walking Dead, that are not right for my kids.
Over the summer, I took a creative writing course. One of our assignments was to re-write the ending of Poe’s classic Tell-Tale Heart. I assume many of you are familiar with this tale. So, in the spirit of getting this blog going again now that the kids are back on a regular school schedule, here is my alternate ending:
I fully expected the old man to be dead, as the horrid beating had finally ceased. Indeed! I did not feel the thud of his heart, and thought I had been victorious! But what should happen next? The eye — that insidious eye! It opened and cast its phantom gaze
Riding the MTA With Kids
It’s Summer time, and New York City is full of amazing and educational opportunities for kids. As a parent with kids in the City, I feel that it is my responsibility to find these opportunities, especially if they are free, and experience them with my children. I spent some time researching, and I found some excellent possibilities. We plan to partake of as many playgrounds, parks, libraries and museums as possible this Summer. As with any place, however, one must find a way to get to special events and locations. The bus and subway are usually the best option for anything more than a mile away.
But at what age does a child in NYC have to start paying bus and subway fare? This is a question I asked myself when school ended, having figured that my daughter was probably at an age where she might have to pay (she’s eight). As it turns out, New York City goes by height, not age, for whether a child can travel for free with a paying adult. As this site states, children 44″ and under do not have to pay. I knew my daughter was above that height, but I decided to measure my son to see if he was within the guidelines. He was. Exactly. So, I bought a MetroCard for my daughter, but since my son is small enough, I did not get one for him. Seems logical, right?
Not so much, as it turns out. Apparently, there is something in the air at the MTA bus depot. Yesterday, as my son and I rode on the Q60 bus, the driver suddenly became upset and began yelling about how our society was “broken” and everyone on the bus was “pathetic” because nobody had said “good morning” to him. My son and I had said “hi,” but I guess he was upset at someone else, because this began about 5 minutes after we boarded. On the bus home, for which we had waited 45 minutes, several people in the front got into a fight. The driver seemed to be somehow involved. Today, however, was really strange. I boarded the Q39 with my children and with some other families picking their kids up from chess camp. I hadn’t even finished saying “hello” when the driver began screaming. Yes, screaming, hollering, yelling, ranting and raving. He began with the woman in front of me, and he forced her to leave the bus, after she’d already paid for herself and her older child, because she did not have fare for her five year old. He then began yelling at me.
He pointed to a little notch in the pole across from him, and said that any child taller than that notch had to pay. My son seemed to be right at that notch, which I assume was 44″ – but perhaps the bill of his New York Mets cap was indeed above the line. I don’t know if all buses have this notch, or if this driver had scratched one there so that he could bellow insults at people, but I was certainly not expecting, upon telling the driver that I had measured my son at home and he was exactly the height to be able to ride free, to be accused of stealing and told I would have to leave if I did not pay immediately. I paid, because it’s not like I would have been able to get home another way, and I have a sprained ankle, so hiking to the nearest subway station wouldn’t have helped. I figured that would be the end of it, but the driver kept shouting at me and lobbing insults for the rest of our ride! He was frightening the children and upsetting the adults. It was highly unprofessional.
When I got home, I wondered if there was some sort of crackdown on people traveling with kids. I wanted to confirm that the rule was 44″ AND under, not just under 44″. I texted 311 about the incident, and received no response (the wait time for a call would have eaten up too many anytime minutes). While browsing, I discovered that the enraged driver was not the only person who sees red at the thought of children riding for free. This person is full of hate and vitriol where children on mass transit are concerned. I understand that kids over a certain height have to pay, and even though it is my understanding that being exactly that height is still a free ride, if the driver had asked that I pay, instead of screaming and calling me a thief, everyone would have been much happier. Of course, he later allowed an older woman who had “forgotten” her card to ride for free, while at the next stop threatening to expel a woman whose metro card was a quarter short, but who did not have 25 cents (someone gave her a quarter, and she was allowed to stay). Maybe the guy was just having a terrible day, or something.
Obviously, in these difficult financial times, there are many people who find the increased cost of mass transit to be painful on the budget. It is especially difficult for families with children, who have to spread salaries even further than those without kids. It used to be that children received a reduced price in most places – at the movies, airfare, amusement parks, museums, restaurants, and public transit. Now, with the bottom line having become far more important than happy customers to most industries, discounts for children are fading away. Many parents go without things for themselves so that they can provide for their children. We all have heard that the MTA is struggling financially, and apparently, they lose a lot of money to parents dodging fares for kids. That said, many parents don’t know that fares are based on height. Wouldn’t putting a little MTA info poster on buses and subways explaining the height, along with a clearly labeled “you must be this tall” marker outside the turnstiles or on buses cut down on this problem without drivers screaming at people who are actually following the rules?
Since I know that my son is actually short enough to ride the MTA for free with me, I will not be purchasing an unlimited card for him. That said, I do plan to get an extra Pay-Per-Ride card, just in case I get the bus driver with an axe to grind again. As for the Q60 driver who was upset, I have started saying “good morning” instead of “hello” to morning bus drivers.
Discussing the Afterlife With Kids
I have always been fascinated with the endless variations our species has dreamed up about what happens when we move on. The possibilities are limitless. I have also suspected for many years that, upon dying, people will probably experience something similar to what they believe will happen. The topic of what will happen when we die is something everyone wonders about, but few wish to discuss.
When I was a child, I drew a complex diagram. My idea was that our essence split into quarters. One part would travel the places we had been, watching change and reflecting on the past. One part would retreat into the land of dreams, existing in those strange, twisted landscapes and visiting our families and friends as they slept. One part of us would move on to a new body that was just being born, and would become part of a new cycle. The final part would go to the forests and live in the hearts of trees with all of the other spirits, putting down roots, stretching out branches, and becoming a collective consciousness.
When my children asked about death a while back, I gave them a general description of some of the prevailing theories, including Heaven, reincarnation, nothingness, and reliving one’s life repeatedly. They had already found a reference to spirits left behind with unfinished business. Advanced readers will do that, I suppose.
I hadn’t heard more on the subject for a while, but last night during dinner, the kids decided to enliven conversation by talking about their idea of what happens when someone dies. I will share this theory with all of you, because it is very interesting to see how the mind of a child processes the idea, and what they come up with as a result.
My son, who is six, was telling us excitedly of the “Restarting Machine”
According to him, if you die a natural death, you get to go to the Restarting Machine and begin life again as something or someone else. He suspects we alternate between human and animal forms, and we have some amount of selection in what we would like to try. He hopes to be a frog for a while.
My daughter, who is eight, agreed that there was a Restarting Machine for natural deaths (they were a little obsessed with the idea of death being natural or unnatural). She further stated that, if you died an unnatural death, you would get to go to Heaven, provided you had no unfinished business on Earth. If you had unfinished business, then you must stay until it was completed. Then you could go to Heaven. My son shrugged, unconvinced, but interested in what his sister was saying. Our friend Lisa, who was over for dinner, was very impressed with the way they both listened to each other’s theories without arguing, trying to dissuade the other, or getting upset. She mentioned that most adults could not conduct themselves so well on these topics. She was right.
I asked what Heaven would be like, and was regaled with tales of a place where you do nothing but play and have fun. You get to play for eternity, or else become an angel and help people. I asked if I had to play for eternity. My daughter nodded happily. I declared that, according to her theory, I would be stuck on Earth. I feel that I would consider not seeing every library and reading every book to be some serious unfinished business. Sure, I only have to worry about that if my death is unnatural, because I would otherwise go to the Restarting Machine. What animal do I want to come back as after I visit this miraculous machine? Either a housecat or a kangaroo, I think. But I still have questions. My husband and Lisa also have things they wish to ask.
My main question was the difference between natural and unnatural death. The kids were less clear on this definition. My daughter felt that pretty much anything other then peacefully slipping away in your sleep was unnatural. My son mentioned outside forces and injury. I wanted to know if time travel was possible when one was in ghost form with unfinished business, because there were some amazing libraries in the past that I would really like to see. Lisa asked if she would be able to go to the Restarting Machine for a while, have more chance to read books, and then get to go to Heaven. My daughter thought this sounded like an excellent plan.
I know that many parents out there would tell their children the theory presented here was wrong. I know that some families would use this as a diving board into religious ideology. I did not see this as a time to impose my own ideas on my kids. I saw it as a time when my kids were animated, excited, and engaging in a deep conversation. I saw that they were getting along, and communicating their ideas fluently. I saw a great amount of thoughtfulness and creativity. Sure, their ideas might not be accurate, but who am I to know what “really” happens? None of us can be completely sure. We can believe we are sure, but we cannot prove it to be true.
One thing we can do, however, is support the imagination of our children. Let them know we are listening. Take the time to consider their ideas, where they came from, and what tat tells us about the child. By listening, we can learn far more than by shutting the child down. Even if you adamantly believe the child is incorrect, let them have their say. Not only will you bond with your kids while learning how they think, you might also learn a little something about yourself in the process.
What theories did you have as a child? What theories have the children in your life shared with you?
The Steubenville Trigger
Jenifer Rosenberg ♦ March 20, 2013 ♦ Leave a Comment
In the wake of the media circus surrounding the Steubenville rape case, people are taking notice of the way our culture treats rape. There are now many articles and blogs that talk about the case, what it means for our society, and what should or shouldn’t be done. If you are here reading this blog, I assume you are already aware of what is happening, so I won’t rehash the details.
Many of you are probably aware of rape statistics in the United States. Given these numbers, you probably know someone who has been raped. If you know me, then you definitely do. I have learned from past experience that the mere act of stating you are a rape survivor can cause people to treat you unpleasantly. It took me years to be able to say it, and even longer to be able to talk about it without crying. It can happen to anyone, regardless of age, race, sexual orientation, religion, gender, or level of sobriety.
It is not any more or less rape if you know the person, if you are wearing something “revealing” or if you have had alcohol.
I do not wish to discuss the details of my personal trauma on a public platform, so let us just say that the “friend” rape I experienced in high school influenced my decisions for the following summer. That next summer, I was subjected to some very violent, terrible things over a period of many weeks while being kept from going home. It is not something I like to think about.
In fact, I doubt that any survivor of violent crime enjoys the memory of what happened. Yes, rape is a violent crime. Rape is wrong. I wish more people would understand this. The societal tendency to blame the victim and pity the criminals is horrible. It is also highly triggering.
For many survivors of rape, like myself, this constant barrage of media victim blaming is traumatic. I read about what is going on, and it brings back the fear of the moment. Not as extreme as when it was happening, but it makes me remember things I had not thought of in years. It has made sleeping difficult, because the dreams are now replays of the violent experiences I lived through. I knew from past experience that it is taboo to talk about your experiences of this sort. Saying you survived a rape is considered TMI. If it weren’t, far ore crimes would be reported. The fact still remains that, in many cases, rape survivors who are having resurfacing fears from triggers do not have anyone to talk to… or so they think.
Because, if you have ever been raped – recently, a few years back, several decades ago, whenever – there is free help available to make it easier to work through. A wonderful friend of mine told me about RAINN – which has a phone hotline AND a private internet chat with a trained counselor available for free. They can help you find the resources you need to be able to talk about what you are feeling, and they are there to listen. Although it us very sad that rape is so prevalent in our culture to make this service necessary, it is wonderful to know that it is there. If you visit the main website, they also have resources for parents to help keep children safe.
Until today, I did not know that RAINN existed, and I am willing to bet that many other survivors out there are also unaware of this valuable resource. It is extremely difficult right now to read or watch the news. The comment threads on websites are incredibly cruel, and often treat rape as a joke. It is not a joke. It is a serious crime that can haunt those who live through it for the rest of their lives. I hope that, by sharing this link, I am able to help someone out there who did not know there were resources available.
Thanks for reading.